Becoming Real with myself,Jesus,and you.

2011-12-11T22:00:00.001-08:00

Word of advise to the world: if you say you are going to do something don't back out at the last minute. It's not fair to the person you promised that you would do the thing for. It puts them in an awful position. Just an FYI.

Sometimes I wonder

2011-11-30T22:55:00.000-08:00

I really do wonder why God gives us the lot in life He does. I know it is for a purpose but with nights like tonight it would make things so much easier if I just knew why. :'(

All I can do is remind myself that God has a plan and a reason and in the end it will all work out.

Lord, please help me to trust you and your plan for my life.

Oh Kelly... I will always love your music.

2011-11-30T15:17:00.001-08:00

Tis' the holiday season

2011-11-27T15:17:00.000-08:00

Wow.. I can not believe that Thanksgiving is already over and Christmas is well on its way to being here then this year will be over.With all of these holidays here and on there way I can't help but feel a little bit upset. I am not sure if I am upset with God or people or both. The older I get the harder it has become to spend the holidays on my own. This thanksgiving was the second or 3rd that I have spent by myself but for some reason this is the first time it has really bothered me. I am not quite sure why it bothered me but it really did. This year it made me realize how alone I really am. I mean I worked during the day which made it a lot easier to deal with because I love my clients more then anything in the world so being able to share a little bit of my holiday with the clients that are also alone like I am really made me happy. But then coming home to an empty house ,and to top it all off I was super sick,wasn't my idea of a great night. I ended up cleaning the entire house because I thought it was a better idea then going to bed when I got home at 330pm. I am so scared that my life is just always going to be like that. that I will forever be ALONE. and I understand that God has a plan, and I trust God in that plan but I am human and I still have feelings and feel how I feel.It has taken me a while to get to where I am where I am trusting God and His plan for why I am alone at this point in my life. I still sometimes get mad and don't understand but I am still trying my hardest to trust Him. So for today I vent this out and pray that I can continue to trust Him even when I am upset and mad about my situation.

Here goes nothing

2011-11-13T23:17:00.000-08:00

So I haven't used this site since May 2009 right after my Grandma passed away.I was super depressed the last time I posted because of her passing. She basically raised me and I considered her my mom more than my grandma. A lot of time has passed and I still am heart broken that she is no longer here and a part of my life but God is healing my heart slowly and using all of the times I am upset about her not being here to really draw me closer to Him.

With that said I want to say that I think I am going to start blogging on here again and use it more often then I have been using my Tumblr to get my thoughts out. I put up a link to this site on my Tumblr but really I don't care if any of my followers actually comes over here and reads this blog. I just really need blog.I know I have friends who don;t understand why I have this need but I do. It's like venting without feeling guilty because if someone decides to read this its their choice its not me hanging out and then I just start unloading on them and they didn't expect it.
I know some people still wont understand why I even need to vent in the first place but I do.. I am tired now and might decide to explain why I need to vent in a future post but for now I must say thanks for reading if you decide to read. And if no one is reading this then oh well... I am still going to be blogging. :D

I miss you so much!!!!

2009-05-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

I miss my grandma so much today. I would always spend mothers day at her house ever since I was little and then finally when I was staying with her and then when I moved out I would go to her house every mothers day and spend the whole day with her so today not having anywhere to go has been really hard and weird. My grandma by far was and is the most amazing person I ahve met and i am sure will ever meet. She had the biggest heart and more selfless then anyone I have ever come in contact with. Our family had many problems and each of us our own set of issues and mistkaes but Grandma did not care she loved blindly and all she knew was we were her family so she laved us inspite of our selves. There are a million things I could say about her and all good but those are memories that will remain in my heart forever and dont need to be spilled out in writting. I loved my grandma more then I have ever loved anyone ever and probably never will love someone that much again. I miss you Grandma and I Thnak you for helping me become who i am today I ow so much of me too you..and I cant wait to see you someday in Heaven.

the funeral home has a website where a biography can be written and pictures posted of your loved one...here is the niography my aunt wrote:

Many things can be said about Jennie Gonzales. Known to friends and acquaintances as a friendly, energetic, empathic and decisive woman, her compassionate nature would always shine through, revealing her charm, warmth and conscientious demeanor. She was warmhearted, gentle and organized in all the things she sought to accomplish. Jennie was a mentor, a natural “teacher” capable of seeing things clearly, leading others and bringing out the best in all of those around her. She generally had a focus on harmony and peace.

Jennie was born on November 24, 1928 at home in Riverside, California. Her parents were John & Natividad Martinez. Jennie was raised in Riverside, California. When she was young, Jennie's friends and family found that “straightforward” and “honest” were perfect words to describe her. Even as a child, Jennie demonstrated strong qualities of self-confidence, perceptive ability and a disposition that was enjoyable to those around her.

Jennie grew up with 5 siblings. She had 4 brothers: Gabe, Lawrence, Victor, & Joe; 1 sister: Theresa. Jennie was constantly involved in all sorts of activities with her family. She was even-tempered, taking care not to get involved in too many family conflicts. This quality served her well, in perpetually bringing harmony, understanding and a sense of peace to the family. Jennie carried these traits into her adult life and served as one of many reasons why family and friends found her pleasurable and delightful to be around. Jennie was a person who genuinely understood and cared for others, making powerful connections with those she knew.

During her high school years, Jennie had a natural flair for cheering on and applauding just about everyone. She was constantly offering her support and encouragement to fellow members of the groups and activities in which she participated. She did well in school and genuinely enjoyed telling stories in a way that drew people to her. In this way, Jennie had a talent for becoming the center of attention, a kind of social catalyst. Jennie was often found to be the lead person facilitating a group activity, frequently filling the role of being “the life of the party.” Teachers and classmates knew Jennie as an excellent listener. She placed a high value on learning and always understood that there was a new lesson to be grasped waiting for her just around the corner.

On 1953 Jennie married Jesus N. Gonzales by the Justice of the Peace of Riverside, California. Compassionate and devoted, Jennie worked hard to make her new family happy. She was always generous with her time and this meant that Jesus came first in Jennie's book. She was always caring and made certain that she considered Jesus's feelings. By trusting her emotions, Jennie did her best to make sure that both the marriage and home life ran smoothly. This is just one more example of how Jennie was truly a person of empathy.

Jennie's quality of being a caring and tolerant person who was very accepting of others translated to being a good mother to her children. Jennie shared these values with her 7 children, three sons, John Jesse, Richard and David Gonzales, four daughters, Mary, Susan, Velia and Erlinda. Jennie related well to children of all ages and was able to connect to them on their level. The children always loved her and she was completely and totally devoted to them.

Jennie experienced success in her work life over and over again. Her primary occupation was her primary occupation was an Assistant Cook. Jennie always made the effort to understand what was needed at work, and was well known by her colleagues as a team player. Jennie took pride in managing her professional responsibilities and seemed to always know what was necessary to successfully complete a project. Jennie was one to take the initiative and her skills at working cooperatively were highly valued. Jennie continually sought to learn what her co-workers did well and how they were most effective, a talent that enabled her to help them develop their own potential.

Jennie enjoyed traveling, and because she was so well organized, she would take on the responsibility of planning and scheduling all of the family vacations. Her gift for keeping things lively meant that vacations with Jennie were always enjoyable. Favorite vacations included cruising the Hawaiian Islands.Jennie loved Mariachi music, shopping and going out to dinner. She enjoyed going for long drives, spending time with her grandchildren and everyday without fail, she watched "The Waltons" and "Little House on the Prairie".
Jennie was a lover of animals and cherished her pet. Jennie's favorite was Chico, her pekingese, also called her "canine grandson". They were best friends for 2 1/2 years.

When Jennie's retirement finally came in 1989, she was well prepared. Being the focused and organized person that she was, Jennie had taken care to plan for this part of her life. When that time eventually arrived, Jennie knew exactly what she wanted to do. Her new life involved relocating to Hemet in 2005 with her daughter, Mary. Even in retirement, Jennie continued to stay in touch with her old friends and made plenty of new acquaintances. She was active in the community and felt fulfilled.

Jennie passed away on April 14, 2009 at home in Hemet, California. She is survived by her children, Mary Gonzales of Hemet, Susan Cloutier of San Jacinto, Velia Olson of Wildomar, David Gonzales of Temecula and Richard Gonzales of Corona. Her brother, Victor Martinez of Whittier and her 17 grandchildren, 12 great grandchildren and numerous cousins, nieces and nephews. Jennie was preceded in death by her son, John Jesse, daughter Erlinda and her husband Jesse.

Throughout her life, Jennie was a gregarious and enthusiastic woman. She was generous in sharing her personal attributes, giving and helping those she knew and loved. She would often fill the role of coach, bringing out the best in everyone. She was imaginative, original, tender hearted and easy to get along with. Jennie leaves behind her a legacy of life-long friendships and cherished memories. Everyone whose lives she touched will dearly remember Jennie Gonzales.

sometimes I need to remind myself too...

2009-01-17T23:27:00.000-08:00

just breath.

Faceless International: Be The Change

2008-12-20T21:48:00.000-08:00

I can't go back...

2008-12-01T20:03:00.000-08:00

Today is just one of those days
I am really missing the old times.
like the Anberlin show and the Summer.
Those were great times for me.
But now life and everything just seems so different,so changed.
And I am content in Christ knowing that it all changes because He wants it too
and because He has an amazing plan and that He is preparing me for something.
But today is just one of those days where I reminese in my head and wish to go back in time.
Tomorrow is a new and exciting day I know it,but for today I am just retracing it all in my mind.

I'm ready to run run run away.

2008-11-18T19:22:00.000-08:00

The Day I Lost My Voice (The Suitcase Song)

COPELAND

As sure as the floor 'neath my toes,

And somehow not surprised

That I was superimposed

Somehow in this life

And if my friends and my foes

Would just drop me a line

That'd be nice

You see love is a drink

That goes straight to my head

And time is a lover

And I'm caught in her stead

And the sentiment there follows me

Straight to my bed through the night

I've got my life in a suitcase

And ready to run run run away

I've got no time

'cause I'm always trying to run run run away

'cause everyday it feels like it's only a game

I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase

What could be an anchor here

With a storm on the rise

When you're never meant to see so clear

When smoke gets in your eyes

And the man in the moon

Never makes his replies understood?

I've got my life in a suitcase

And ready to run run run away

I've got no time

'cause I'm always trying to run run run away

'cause everyday it feels like it's only a game

I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase

For a moment I was warm and the world made sense

For a moment here this storm had no consequence

I've got my life in a suitcase

And ready to run run run away

I've got no time

'cause I'm always trying to run run run away

'cause everyday it feels like its only a game

I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase

As of lately I have been feeling a lot like I don't want to be in California for much longer.

I don't know though.

I have been praying about it a lot.

But God is telling me to stay here for now.

That I need to be here with Harvest and Jr.High

that there are things in little Riverside He still wants me too do.

So for now that is where I am at in life.

Waiting for God to show me what to do next.

Today is that Day

2008-11-03T19:08:00.000-08:00

I have days where I am perfectly content with life
and where God has me and who he has in my life

other days I long for change.
Change in senery and people and everything.

And then there are days like today.
Where I feel so anxious and just feel weird
like I am sad but not

Its just like a feeling that I get where I am not content with anything.
Its really weird because I dont get this way to often
but today I have been thinking about all the "what if's" of life
and then I got all weird...lol

But I know that God is better then any feeling I could ever have
and He is doing great things in my life
and I can't wait to see them all unfold...
God is too good to me
and I know that this feeling will pass

Lord be with me and help me to stop wondering what if but to rely on what I know and who I know you are. I love you and praise you!

It's about time i died to myself.

2008-10-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Being an adult kinda starts to not be so fun after while.

lol

really all the bills and what not and working its not what its all cracked up to be.

But for now I think I am enjoying the not so fun adult life.

Life for me lately has consisted of work and church with the occasional hang out.

I really like being an adult but miss just having a free schedule to do what I want when I want.

Oh well...

On another note.

Change is in the air.

its been happing the past couple months and its still going.

I am excited and scared all at the same time

Excited for the new things God has in store

but scared that things are changing too fast

it seems just like last week when all of us would hang out all day at church

it was amazing

I always looked forward to those days

It was just just us having fun goofing around

and then we would have bible studies and worship and a time where we prayed for eachother

it was awesome.

I miss it.

and I am scared that now that that time is gone

that soon so will my friendships.

God has a plan and for now I am trusting Him.

And I think that that is what I have been lacking lately

and I think it is exactly why I am scared.

But today I will choose to put my flesh to death and trust God

take Him for who He is and allow Him to work.

Thank you Lord for being faithful when I am so faithless.

songs explain it all better then I ever could

2008-10-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

Thunder-Boys Like Girls

Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go

Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)

Today in the blink of an eye I'm holding on to something and

I do not know why

I tried

I tried to read between the lines

I tried to look in your eyes

I want a simple explanationFor what I'm feeling inside

I gotta find a way out

Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors

I don't wanna ever love another

You'll always be my thunderSo bring on the rain

And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road

Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know

Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)

Today I'm on my own

I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone

I don't know (I don't know, I don't know, I don't know)

And now I'm itching for the tall grass

And longing for the breeze

I need to step outside

Just to see if I can breathe

I gotta find a way out

Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors

I don't wanna ever love another

You'll always be my thunder

So bring on the rain

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope

I'm wrapped up in vines

I think we'll make it out

But you just gotta give me time

Strike me down with lightning

Let me feel you in my veins

I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go

Whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors

I don't wanna ever love another

You'll always be my thunder

And I said

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder

So bring on the rain

Oh baby bring on the pain

And listen to the thunder

This song kind of sums up how I have been feeling/thinking the past month

2008-09-23T03:25:00.001-07:00

It's In Your Blood-Lydia

I can't stay over you.

It seems we drive forever but can never get away from here,

just one more try. I'm guessing you are over me, I guess it's bravery.

Well cause it's black out the window while you sleep in the passenger seat.

It's gone.

Oh when it's always on your mind but you never speak of the name.

It's in your blood and face and I'm certain it's fame.

So I stayed out in the car cause the weather had gotten to me.

But its really these road signs and freeways that I can't take.

This can't be how you live.

It's like a, a ball and chain around your waist or this simple state.

Your mind's sick again.

I'm tasting nothing but 4 words, "please don't leave me".

And it's Dark in the winter so your ideas start to sleep.

Well your head is spinning like that carousel,

and I know you're a mess after 3 or 4.

But if you make it different then we'll make our way to the surface,

and your favorite place.

Where we sit, and we breath.

cause I know all the words and I sing you everything.

Well they're just thoughts so go ahead and speak.

So pick out what you like and call me when you're on the way.

You can spend the night and hope to sleep all day.

For me its just another week, twenty eight was once how I dreamed.

And with your scent on my face I can leave and have you for days.

I still can't see you.

The summer came and we got lost, all of us.

You are nothing with out her.

I still wont remember your face,

the features mix too well with this alcohol.

So we cover ourselves in your fear,

and stay to watch that moon disappear under these lights.

This city, this city's screaming at me.

And as you breathe the words I better go.

The sun is up and taking back all the shadows that covered this ground,

and our feet, like a blanket of coal.

I know some of the lyrics make not a lotta sense

but to me they do.

I love this song.

It makes me feel understood when I listen to it.

Been putting this off for while

2008-09-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

Wow I have really been wanting to blog for a while now but have been putting off until now

because I wanted my head to be clear when I posted

I didn't want to sound all emo pants and what not.

With that said ...

So I have been realizing something lately.

I think I am at one of the best places in my life right now.

and yet I still dont feel satitisfied

and I still feel sad a lot.

I dont get it.

My relationship with God is at the best place its been at in a very long time.

I serve in the most amazing ministry ever Jr.High

I have a full time job that pays enough for me to get by.

I am going to school and its paid for by financial aid.

I rent a room from one of the most amazing families and I am blessed to be able to become part of their household

My friendships seem to be at very good places

I am an adult with freedoms like n crewfue and what not

I am going to be seeing my two favorite bands Copeland and Anberlin with in the next few moths or so.

God is blessing me with so many things and you would think I would be constantly rejoicing and joyful

but I for some reason can't seem to keep my joy an ongoing every minute kind of thing.

and I hate that.

I should be letting the Good out way the not so good but instead I am doing the complete opposite.

I am allowing the not so good to bring me down.

What is wrong with me? I shouldnt let anything bring me down.

but..

I miss my friends a lot.

I am afraid that time is going by so fast and that the things and people that are so precious to me now will soon be snatched away as time is flying by.

I am just afraid that life is going to continue to change like it is now with out my control and I dont want to wake up one day and miss everything because it is gone.

But all I can do now

is give my whole heart and life away into God's hands

and allow him to do as He pleases.

and as hard as I think it is rejoice in the fact that God has an amazing plan that I can't see

I need to just love Jesus and allow Him to work.

Lord, I just surrender my whole heart and whole life to you.

Do as you know is best for me

and help me to find the joy in it all.

This is where I am at with it all right now...

2008-08-25T12:06:00.000-07:00

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,All the ones who love you, in the place you left,I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,And you help somebody every chance you get,Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,You never need to carry more than you can hold,And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,You never need to carry more than you can hold,And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,Yeah, this, is my wish.

Dreading Sunday and Wednesday

2008-08-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

"California"-Copeland

I miss the way you sing low
So I can't hear your voice over
The radio in my car
But you knew every word they sang
You know just the right thing to say when the
Distance rips us farther and farther and farther away
I'll see you soon

If you're coming back this way again
Come back from California
All of us here in Florida
Are starved for your
starved for your attention
Come back from California
All of us here in Florida
Are starved for your attention
Are starved for your attention

Maybe I fell too fast
Maybe I pushed you away
Now you're gone and I'm afraid
That you're never coming back this way again

I'll see you soon
If you'll come back here
I'll see you soon
Just say that you want to see me too

Come back from California
All of us here in Florida
Are starved for your attention
Are starved for your attention
Come back from California
All of us here in Florida
Are starved for your attention
Are starved for your attention

You know I won't mind if you
Monopolize all my time
I won't say a thing at all
I won't say a word no

So come back from California
Come back from California

Told you I would

2008-07-29T16:41:00.000-07:00

So before I post this I need to let everyone know

this is kind of an inside joke post

and I am only doing this because Matt didn't think I would. lol

So here it goes

10 reasons why I hate Matty Gene

10. He is kinda obsessed with bands.(Its like he has no life or something.)

9. He keeps putting off asking about playing worship before he leaves

8. He thinks that Justin Timberlake couldn't have brought sexy back because he(referring to himself) had never gone anywhere.(he is a little conceited)

7. He lives way too far to be able to hang out with any of his friends(not that he wants to hang out with us anyway)

6. He never answers his phone.(What's the point of having one)

5. He never answers your emails,myspace/facebook messages and comments.(what's the point in having an email address, a myspace or a facebook?)

4.He never helps me with my ASL classes like he says he is going too.(What's the point in knowing sign if your not gonna help people out with it?)

3. He is mean to me all the time.(It's like I am not even his friend.)

2. He didn't believe I would make this bogus list.(ha ha you doubted me and I still did it.)

1. Him and his family are leaving my church for another and I probably will never see them.(what's so great about cchd?)

So everything I have said in this blog is purely sarcasm and not meant to be taken seriously,so don't!

Honesty to the fullest extent

2008-07-21T07:29:00.000-07:00

<*SIGH*>
Man, I really suck as a daughter of the Most High, The King Of Kings and The Lord Of Lords,the One And Only Savior and Lord Jesus.
Man if He is all these things I say He is then why is it that I struggle with so many things of this world?
Why is it that I let myself neglect my relationship with Him so much.
As of lately I have been struggling with a few things and it really hurts me to know that I am doing or not doing the very things I encourage other beleivers to do or not to do.
Such as my devotions in the morning and night. as of lately I haven't been doing them. And believe me when people say you can see a difference in your life when you don't they were telling the truth. Now don't intrupret that as "oh my gosh Jen dosent love the Lord, orJen is a backslider" or any other crap like this. Its not that I don't want to its just that life has been so crazy busy lately that its like as soon as I wake up there is something I have to be doing as soon a I wake up and then usually I am so tired that I pass out at night before I can even think about my devo. and honestly I can feel the distance between the Lord and I and its very disheartening.
I know that this all up to me and my choice. I know that I can change this and everyday I set out to change it and actually spend time with my Jesus but it seems like every day it stays the same.No matter how much I set my heart on change. Its like that quote "If the enemy can't get in your life any other way he will keep you busy"(or something to that extent) and I feel like that is what it is. but that is not an excuse just what I feel is happening. and I intent to chnage that.and I say all of this not to be judged or to get sympathy but to ask that you would pray for me,that the enemy would stop tring to put a wedge between me adnd God and that I would wake up every morning and go to bed with some sweet fellowship with my Lord and Savior Jesus!

Becoming real?

2008-07-17T16:56:00.000-07:00

So I was looking at the title of my blog and it made me laugh
"Becoming real with myself,Jesus,and you."
what a funny concept that is. Becoming real.
its like thats the purpose of this blog.
its so I have a place to say what I really want to say without worrying whos going to read it
I really just wanted a place to write everything down and get them off my chest.
but as i write these words I feel as if I am not doing the very thing I set out to do with blog.
Or with my life in that matter. Its so crazy how I pride myself on how brutally honest I am.
but its like I am only that honest when it comes to other people.
when it comes to me I am way more closed in.I try not to reveal to much about myself for the fear of letting to many people in and getting hurt.
But Ihave decided I am done with that. I need to just be myself and say how I feel and not worry about rejection.
I can no longer expect my friends to open up 100 percent to me if I am not willing ot the same.

Update

2008-07-12T23:41:00.000-07:00

So I was just thinking how I got rid of my old blogspot and got this one so that I could statr over and not only actually blog,but also become really honest about everything. And I also realized I havent been doing such a great job of actually updating to much so here I am updating.
Well I am blessed beyond belief. God has really been blessing me a lot. Right now I am living with Bekah Millas and her family right now and it is a blessing. Its a new adjustment but none the less a huge blessing.
And I am also working at Peppermint Ridge. Peppermint Ridge is a place that owns homes for the developmently disabled. And I am working in one of the home. I have offically started just going through oreientation and training at the moment but I love it as of now. Its a great place and I ma so happy and blessed to be able to work there.
Hmm if thats not a lot of blog already I ahve more to say. Man, God is amazing at working things out perfectly. For example a while back I was really hurt by a friend of mine because I started to feel like I was putting alot more time and effort in to our friendship and that I cared more about him then he did about me. and like it sucked because everyone and there mom was telling him and I all this crap about our friendship and how we werent right or whatever and that took a toll on our friendship and then someone else came into the picture and then it seemed to me like we werent even friends anymore and I am not gonna lie,it hurt alot.and its not because what everyone said was true because it wasnt but because we had become like super close . He was one of my best friends but more then that him and his family were like family to me. So when we stopped talking and what not I was hurt and at first I was like dang.But htem God showed me that it was the best thing at the time and that I had to honor that. So I started to see things in a different light. I started seeing that backing away had to not only be him but me as well. that if I cared about him as my friend as much as I said I need to be okay with everything because I didnt wanna be the one ot hinder him. And then the other day we talked and like are good friends again it seem. and I am so blessed. and like it shows me that God is even more amazing then I ever give him credit for,its like even though it hurt He was always working something out in it. And I can see in both me and my friend that we have grown so much in our walks in the time we didnt talk,that maybe would have never happen if we had remained frinds during that time.I am so thankful to God for the time away and time ot grow but I am equally blessed to have my friend back.

Man o man thats the jist of my life for now. More to be updated soon.

hmm

2008-06-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

I dont know really how I feel right now I am so just in a daze I guess
I am not dpressed or sad about the fact that I dpnt know where I will be living in a week and a half
but I am not happy
I am just kinda whatever
I guess I go back and forth on how I feel
I try to remind myself that God will work it out
but then when I try to do something
like get ajob or ask around about staying somewhere and nothing turns up
I get depressed about it
right now I am just blag I dunno what I am gonna do
I go almost everyday looking and applying for a job and i apply online and then I call them back
and yet no one hires me
I am so afraid that I am gonna be job less and eventually homeless
since I dont have family that can help me
\but I am just trying ot trust that the Lord is doing something
as hard as it is too trust Him I am trying.

Lord help me to trust in you more and know that you have a great plan and that you will provide.Lord I thank you for all you do. I prasie you and thank you for what you will do.In your name.Amem.

Memories

2008-04-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

Last night I was having a conversation about life with one of my very good friends
and I was telling her that I think the reason her and I have Changed our friends alot is because we seem to change alot mentally,Spiritually and just in life and so our group of friends tend to change as we change.
but the cool thing I have noticed is we both have out constants in our life that havent changed for years and that will probably always be there.
We both have our best friends, eachother, and one more person that has never changed in each of our lives
and even though our constants are different in both of our lives we still have them and thats really all we need.
And that is something I dont think I fully let myself understand until last night.
God has brought me some amazing people in my life and has taken them out again
He had/has a purpose for only having them in my life for a reason
and despite how hard I take it when they are gone
I know and trust that God used/uses them in my life and me in theres
and I am okay with that.

I wanted to post some pictures here that I was looking at last night
some new friends,some old and some always
but I love them all!

well those are just some of the pictures I was looking at..
there are more friends that I dont have pictures of
but I will always have them in my heart.

"But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you."
1 Ptere 5:10

life or something like

2008-04-25T11:04:00.000-07:00

So this week i am again moving.
it seems like my life is always on the go
God has been taking me to many different places the past 3 years and its cool but very scary to think about

Moving seems so natural to me
I feel like its something I could with my eyes closed
packing everything I own and fitting it into someones car is a piece of cake for me now

and yet its so hard all at the same time
the physical act of moving is so easy for me
but (and lately especially) the emotional part is Hard

its like I start to actually get comfortable in one place
in one environment with the people I am living with
and then something happens to where I am on the go again and leaving the very place I just become comfortable enough with to feel at home
and its becoming hard I must say
it makes me not want to actually become comfortable but to stay at a distance.
but I know that is not what I should do

I know God is doing a work in my life through all the moves, all the changed phone numbers and addresses, and each new family .
I know God's plan is better and bigger then all I see, think, or feel about each move and each situation
and for now that is all I can stand on is what I KNOW and not what I FEEL.

and that has to be the biggest lesson that God tries to show me all the time.
but me being the emotional person that I am I tend to over look what God says and just let my emotions take over
and frankly I am through with being the person that relies on emotions more then God

So that is my prayer that I would trust in God not on how I feel, and that I would know He has a plan in everything.

"Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God and the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."--Philippians 4:6-7

Today is Today

2008-04-22T14:38:00.000-07:00

My Title really means nothing
I just didnt know what o name this entry.
well i used to have another one of these blogs that I never used
so I made a new one
I wanna be able to e real and get things out
well next time though.....

I am off now!